May 18, 2011

Doomsday 12-21-12

Top ten reasons why you must believe that the world, and perhaps the universe, will come to an end on December 21, 2012:

The 5,125 year long calender of the Mayans will end precisely at 11:11 AM on 21st December 2012, the winter solstice of the year. The timestamps in all the databases will be reset to 0000-00-00 00:00:00.00000, causing Google to crash permanently.
When you are in the market for doomsday predictions, remember, it's alignment, alignment, alignment! This time, the earth will be at its center and the sun will be aligned at the top of the string of planets. At the rear end of the alignment will be a black hole in the exact center of the Milky Way. And, therefore...
"King of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols. The Huge dog will howl at night, when the great pontiff will change lands." - Nostradamus, of course.
In a repeat of 9792 BC, Venus moving in retrograde of the Orion constellation will cause the sun to rise to a new horizon, making way for two sunsets and two sunrises. Understandably, this will drive Osiris, the resident god of Orion, crazy.
Antichrist will gain domination over the world, in league with the false messiah. There will be blood and...Armageddon. Why 12-21-12? Because, 12-21-12 = 9-11-01 + 3-10-11!
According to the most recent batch of Sumerian tablets — on sale for $19.99 at Dept. 13, P.O. Box 666, Nippur, Sumer — the Anunnaki [aka Nephilim], filled with remorse for genetically engineering us, will crash their plant Niburu into the Earth.
According to the "Brahma-Vaivarta Purana", Krishna has promised Ganga that she would be allowed to end her hellish sojourn through India, and return to Shiva's head on 12-21-12. Insane with jealousy, Durga will annihilate the universe, sparing only Kolkotta.
The Mormons have built an underground city to escape the apocalyptic events that they believe will happen in 2012. Everybody knows that the Mormons are never wrong.
Physicists will successfully extract God particle in CERN's Large Hadron Collider by the end of 2012. Enraged by this new kid on the block, Abraham, Allah, Thor, Vishnu, Yhwh, and Zeus will join forces to destroy the world.
Precisely at 11:11 AM, on 12-21-12, when the sun aligns itself with the Tropic of Capricorn, I will forget to wash my hands after using the restroom at the SFO Airport, setting off a pandemic with the superbug, NDM-1.

Want to survive 12-21-12? Buy one of those zillions of survival kits available here, breakup with your atheist boyfriend or girlfriend, kiss the Pope's ass hand, blow up a few infidels, drink Ganga water, or start eating broccoli. Whatever you do, don't forget to wash your hands after using the restroom!

Breaking News

Pleased with the bump in his poll numbers after his recent proclamation of the National Day of Prayer, thanks to the religulous voters, President Obama will soon announce 12-21-12 as the National Doomsday.

  1. So this is all in counter point to why we shouldn't believe it's all going to end this Saturday, May 21, right?

  2. Actually the date is very significant. It happens to be my birthday. So lets us have a blast.

  3. @divsca
    It's more than a counterpoint. As May 21, 2011 approaches, the religulous are hedging their bets. After 12-21-12 passes, with perhaps a snow storm in the high sierra, the smarter among them will say, "Ah, only the Lord knoweth when he cometh again". The rest of us can possibly wait for another billion years when the sun will become too hot to sustain life on earth.

    Hey Ram, I didn't realize that I was celebrating your birthday when I celebrated the winter solstice in the past. I'll definitely drink to you the next time:)

  4. Hilarious! I like the 6th one the most!


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