December 2, 2010

What does Genesis say about GFAJ-1?

Jesus, could this be the holy grail for the new — and the old — atheists? NASA-Funded Research Discovers Life Built With Toxic Chemical:

Researchers conducting tests in the harsh environment of Mono Lake in California have discovered the first known microorganism on Earth able to thrive and reproduce using the toxic chemical arsenic. The microorganism substitutes arsenic for phosphorus in its cell components.

"The definition of life has just expanded," said Ed Weiler, NASA's associate administrator for the Science Mission Directorate at the agency's Headquarters in Washington. "As we pursue our efforts to seek signs of life in the solar system, we have to think more broadly, more diversely and consider life as we do not know it."

This finding of an alternative biochemistry makeup will alter biology textbooks and expand the scope of the search for life beyond Earth...

Hell, do we need to alter our books of revelation as well? Has anyone alerted our most blessed father, yet? Get me the Discovery Institute online, please. Is this good news or bad news for creationism? Does this mean that gods are still fine-tuning intelligently designed life?

Okay, let's not panic here. Get me a copy of the Book of Genesis, now!

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

That seems okay, doesn't it? He simply asked the earth to bring forth grass, and voilà, it did. Nothing about arsenic or phosphorous!

1:21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Ah, ain't he clever? He hasn't saideth what every living creature that moveth is madeth of. In any case, bacteria can't really move, can they? It doesn't look like they have any legs, fins, or wings. I think we are safe here.

1:25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

"Everything that creepeth upon the earth..."? What about Mars, Jupiter, and beyond? What if these NASA fellows showed that this new microorganism they found was from Gliese 581g? Ask Cardinal Dean to tell the spin doctors from the Discovery Institute get off their asses and say something, willya? What are we paying them for, warming their seats?

1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

What about this creepy, creeping thing, that creepeth upon Mono Lake? Arsenic, which is substituting phosphorus in this creeper they call GFAJ-1, is poisonous for most life on earth, they say. GFAJ-1, eh? These devil worshiping, atheist, scientists have little or no imagination, don't they? So, it's poisonous to man... hm...

Here's an idea... what if we said that the snake, the original one, the Beast incarnate, must have evolved from... er... been created from this Mono Lake creeper? Excellent! Call the Templeton Foundation and ask them to institute a prize of $1,000,000 for anyone who could prove that! No one can do a better job of reconciling science and theology than they can.

Good, that does it for now. Issue a Press Release immediately from the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, stating this as our firm, theologically grounded, position on this matter. We can always recant after a few centuries.

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