April 1, 2010

Breaking News!

Top ten breaking news from around the world, April 1, 2010:

China has invited the Dalai Lama for consultations on autonomy for Arunachal Pradesh, India, which will hereafter be referred to as Tibet. Simultaneously, the Politburo of the Chinese Communist Party entered into an agreement with Google to resume its operations in China, provided that its search suggestions for "China" always ended with "workers' paradise", "rising superpower", "market socialism", or "land of the rising sun", and never with, "internet censorship", "Tiananmen Square", or "melamine in milk".
India and Pakistan have agreed to liberate the Kashmir regions under their respective rule, enabling the formation of an independent, Secular, Democratic, Republic of Kashmir. Noted novelist and activist, Arundhati Roy, will be the first honorary President of SDRK. Welcoming the development, India's cricketing god, Sachin Tendulkar, announced that he would play for SDRK in the forthcoming World Cup in 2011, provided that it was not brought under Islamic rule by then.
In a surprise visit to the NWFP, Pakistan, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presided over the surrender of the Taliban. The Taliban laid down and returned all the arms that it had received from the State Department during her husband's presidency. Secretary Clinton promised to reciprocate the favor by funding several girls' schools in Afghanistan that the Taliban has proposed to start.
President Mahmoud Ahmedinijad today came out of the closet with the confession that he has been, is, and will always be bi-sexual, tacitly dismissing his assertion that there are no homosexuals in Iran as a lie. Several members of Iran's Guardian Council and the Assembly of Experts are expected to follow Ahmedinijad's example and acknowledge that they are gay, too. Barely concealing its glee, the San Francisco LGBT Community Center invited Ahmedinijad — and, he accepted — to deliver a lecture on LGBT rights at the University of California, Berkeley.
King Abdullah bin Abdel Aziz al-Saud of Saudi Arabia announced that he had abdicated the throne in favor of his daughter, Princess Adelah bint Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud. She will be the first Queen of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, which, hereafter, will be known simply as Saudi Arabia. Immediately upon ascending the throne, Queen Adelah invited Danish cartoonist, Kurt Westergaard, to deliver the keynote address in an OIC sponsored Conference on Freedom of Expression in "Muslim Lands", to be held in Mecca next month. Incidentally, Queen Adelah said that she would also be the first woman to drive a car in Saudi Arabia without a male companion beside her.
Israel announced that it would proceed with the building of new settlements in East Jerusalem and West Bank. Here is the twist: title deeds for the houses in these settlements will be given exclusively to Palestinian families who had lost their homes in its recent bombing of Gaza! In a gesture of appreciation, Hamas announced that it was renouncing all forms of violence, and would be sending its entire leadership to the Gandhi, King, and Mandela Institute in India for a year long training in Ahimsa, Yoga, and Meditation.
Beset by the swirling controversies around "what he knew and when he knew" about sexual abuse of children in Catholic churches around the world, Pope Benedict today submitted his resignation to the Holy See in Vatican. Asked about his plans for the future, Ratzinger said that he would be returning to his native Bavaria in Germany to start a day care center for children under the age of 6.
In a landmark judgment today, the Supreme Court of the United States declared that the First Amendment was unconstitutional because it violated the First Amendment. In an unanimous 8-0 ruling (Justice Scalia had resigned hours before the judgment), the justices opined that the apparent paradox arose from the inability of the Court to define god or religion. Accordingly, the justices affirmed that all references to god and religion by the Federal and State governments in future would be deemed as unconstitutional.
In an announcement that shocked and awed even former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Fox News contributor Sarah Palin announced that she was resigning from the Republican Party, the Tea Party, the Marijuana Party, and every other party she claimed to be a member of. Palin said that she and her family would soon be moving to Siberia, a place she had always gazed at longingly from her home in Alaska. It is expected that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity of Fox News would be joining her a few weeks later.
Speaking to reporters during a break in his duck hunting expedition with former Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker Nancy Pelosi, President Obama announced that he was withdrawing his signature from the Health Care Bill, which, Pelosi hurriedly pronounced as dead. Asked about the bandages around Obama's and Pelosi's cheeks, Cheney winked and said that he and his gun had absolutely nothing to do with those or the demise of the Health Care Bill.
  1. Brilliant!!! Absolutely brilliant, I soo wish they were true, What I would add to the list though is politicians in India have started declaring their hidden savings in Switzerland and use the same for building infrastructure in rural parts of India.

    But I am definitely very happy that India did give right to education for every kid between 6 - 14...and this was done a day before April 1...


  2. If only the world wasn't so full of fools, some of these would actually be true.


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