December 10, 2009

Jesus Christ!

Breaking News from the Birmingham News: Jesus Christ appeared last week in Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom in Jefferson County, Alabama, because she was called for jury duty in a criminal case.

Court officials were skeptical at first when on Monday a potential juror submitted a name change form with "Jesus Christ" on it. But the 59-year-old Birmingham woman, who previously went by Dorothy Lola Killingworth, assured the presiding judge that was her name... "It raised eyebrows, so I asked her if that were truly her name," Circuit Court Judge Scott Vowell said. "She assured me that it was. She had her name changed in the Probate Court, and she presented her driver's license."

As a die-hard skeptic, I had always wanted to meet Jesus Christ. Naturally, I went to the Jefferson County Courthouse to see Jesus in flesh and blood, tired of seeing only his apparitions on burnt toast, chocolate, bathroom wall, and the rear end of a dog! The voir dire was starting as I walked into the court room. Here are some of the frequently asked questions during the jury screening process, and my recollection of the replies from Jury No. 1, Jesus Christ:

Counsel: Jesus Christ, may I call you Jesus Christ, Sir... er... Madam? You won't take offense at my taking god's name in vain, will you?
JC: Oh, for Christ's sake, call me Jesus Christ, what else? Besides, I am not my dad. I am his son... er... daughter... wait, son... no... I am all confused now!

Counsel: Are you married? Do you have any children?
JC: Why do you ask me? Ask Dan Brown!

Counsel: What do you do for living?
JC: I don't do anything for living; I do everything for the dead.

Counsel: If you are selected as a juror in this case, the Court will order you not to discuss this case with anyone unless and until permitted to do so by the Court. Will you have any difficulty in following this order?
JC: I can't hide anything from my dad. He is omniscient!

Counsel: What is your main source of news and information? Which do you think is most accurate - TV, newspaper, or radio?
JC: You must be kidding. After the Becks, the Hannities, the Olbermanns, and the Wolves? I bet you don't watch the Daily Show. Besides, I am omniscient, too!

Counsel: What was the last book you read?
JC: I wrote the last, and the only book you'll ever need, hehe...

Counsel: Do you drink alcohol? Do you or anyone close to you have a problem with alcohol?
JC: Yes, I do. So does everyone close to me. Why do you think I changed water into wine at the wedding in the village of Cana, eh?

Counsel: Have you ever been arrested for any crime, even if charges were never filed?
JC: Yes, once, for high treason. I was crucified, and those Roman idiots thought I was dead, but here I am. Now, do you believe in resurrection?

Counsel: If selected as a juror in this case, the Court will instruct you as follows: "A defendant in a criminal action is presumed to be innocent until proven guilty.". Are you willing to follow this instruction?
JC: Of course, not. Quite the opposite, I say. "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." Everyone is presumed guilty. Clinton, Craig, Edwards, Gingrich, Sanford, Spitzer, Woods...

Counselor: Do you think you might have difficulty judging someone who is charged with a crime?
JC: Judge not, lest ye be judged! Who said that?

The Birmingham News adds:

[Christ] was excused because she was disruptive, court officials said. Instead of answering questions, she was asking them, a court employee in Jones's office said.
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