November 12, 2009

Unholy Water

Faith is supposed to heal the faithful of their diseases. So we have been told by — who else, the faithful, of course (and the Congress of the United States of America)! Then again, it appears that the high priests of the faithful are not sure about this, not anymore than me.

In these days of bird flu, human flu, and swine flu panicdemics, the churches don't want to take any risk with their already dwindling parishioners by relying soul-ly on the power of their god. Who knows, it may be too late, if and when he decides to perform a miracle for tackling even this lowly flu, leave alone Leukemia or Parkinson's Disease. From Canada to Italy, from churches through mosques to synagogues, the merchants of god are running scared, therefore, worried more about the swine decimating their sheep, than about Richard Dawkins polluting their washed brains.

To fight the flu, the Globe and Mail reports, several religious organizations across Canada are adapting their millenia old faith healing traditions, to the 21st century practices of the godless medical-scientific community. Here are the top ten, and what I think they really mean to the flock:

10 Those distributing communion are asked to wash their hands before mass.
Lest they should infect the holy water and make it unholy.

9 Serve the communion bread on toothpicks.
Don't throw away the toothpick, please. It's been made holy, too, by communion with the holy bread!

8 Don't kiss or touch the Torah scroll.
You may blow a kiss or wave your hand at it, instead!

7 Provide hand-cleaning stations near church entrances.
Please don't bring those evil, micron sized organisms into the church. Our all-powerful god is helpless against them.

6 Refrain from shaking hands during the sign of the peace. A nod, bow or other appropriate gesture should be encouraged.
We acknowledge that those Japanese Buddhists have always been far ahead of us in these matters.

5 An alcohol-based sanitizer should be provided so that all ministers can sanitize their hands before and after distributing communion.
Kegs of beer will also be provided alongside to cleanse the body and soul.

4 Temporarily suspend communion from the chalice.
Check out our brand new infra-red communion dispenser, instead.

3 Don't forget to add bleach to the holy water!
So we can bill the insurance companies for treating diarrhea, besides other sins of the stool... er... soul.

2 Temporarily suspend communion on the tongue.
We have made arrangements to give it intravenously!

1 Remind parishioners that if they're feeling ill, it is best to stay home.
If you are sick, please don't come to your neighborhood faith healing clinic!

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