October 27, 2008

A Bailout for the Hummer Owners?

Inside the Washington beltway, the American vocabulary these days is rather thin. Just one word — bailout.

Close on the heels of the proposed bailouts for the auto industry, the financial industry, the real estate industry, the insurance industry, etc., etc., sources say that the beleaguered Hummer owners in this country are preparing to lobby the government for bailing them out of their gas guzzlers, too.

The Hummer Owners Anonymous Exchange (HOAX, for short), a loosely federated group of several Hummer Owners Associations across the nation, announced today that they have hired Car'l & Car'vl, a bipartisan lobbying firm with substantial influence over the outgoing Bush administration and the Congress. Car'l & Car'vl will represent HOAX's interest in the forthcoming hearings on the plight of the American car owners.

A spokesperson for the HOAX contends,

"The government must own up to its irresponsibility in tempting unsuspecting millionaires into buying the Hummers with tax credits and other inducements. With their substantial connections to the oil industry, this administration must have known all along that what has been passed off as a treat is nothing but a cheap trick to transfer billions of dollars to their Saudi Arabian friends, from the wealthy, NASCAR loving, real Americans.

In fact, many of our members have suffered double jeopardy, because their investment managers had advised them to buy oil futures at $150/bbl or more, partly to hedge the impact of the increasing gas prices on the operating costs of their Hummers. With the recent plummeting of oil prices on the high seas, but not at the pump, they are now on the verge of bankruptcy.

We feel absolutely let down by those who had promised, not too long ago, to work [for] their constituents. It's time this administration made amends, before it's too lame late."

If their members were not bailed out immediately, the spokesperson for HOAX warned of dire consequences for the wider economy. "Ultimately, hard working Americans will suffer the most. There will be widespread job losses — hundreds of thousands of nannies, Hummer mechanics, Hummer washers, and high school prom transporters will lose their jobs. Don't blame us if the trickle down dried up!" he added.

A presidential candidate, who wishes to remain anonymous, has proposed that the government should buy all the Hummers at whatever their asking prices are, and replace them with free Hybrid Ferraris and Cadillacs. The entire scheme will be financed by charging a toll for using HOV/Express lanes, and doubling the fares on the metros, the subways, and other mass transit systems around the country.

The opposing candidate's campaign immediately issued a statement condemning the scheme as nothing but a socialist gimmick, designed to redistribute wealth from the Hummer have-nots to the Hummer haves.

1 comment :
  1. Absolutely marvelous post!!

    What a HOAX , all these bailouts are!!



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