Gopatha Brahmana was crushed. Despite being in the 90th percentile, she couldn't secure admission in any of the IITs or the NITs. She didn't hold any grudge against her friend Sulabha Sudra, but thought it was grossly unfair that he breezed into IITX with a score that was barely in the 9th percentile. She decided to approach the Honorable Minister for Social Engineering His Excellency Dr. Shri Thiru Sarva Anartha, and after much difficulty and personal loss, was granted an audience. Knowing quite well that time is money to the Honorable Minister, she quickly got to the matter at hand. Here's the complete transcript of the conversation.
Brahmana: Sir, I scored in the 90th percentile and did not get admission, but Sulabha was only in the 9th percentile and he did. How is that fair?
Anartha: My child, I am really sorry that you didn't get admission, but you know, all is fair in love and
social engineering...hehe! I agree Sulabha Sudra and you were both equally qualified, but we had only one remaining seat to fill. Sulabha got lucky.
Brahmana: Equally qualified? Surely, you don't mean 90 = 9, do you?
Anartha: Well, it all depends...
Brahmana: Depends on what? Even a a first grader will tell you that 90 is a lot more than 9.
Anartha: It really depends on how you look at it. Here, I'll prove it to you. [gets up with some difficulty, walks to the white board, and writes] 90 = 90. There, zero is nothing, right? I added nothing to Sulabha Sudra and voilà! Sulabha Sudra equals Gopatha Brahmana.
Brahmana: [incredulous] My life is burning and you are fiddling! Sir, you just can't add nothing to Sulabha with a stroke of your pen...er...marker, and make us equal. What did I do wrong to deserve this? [crestfallen, begins to cry softly]
Anartha: Now, now, compose yourself, my child. You may not have done anything wrong, but your father took nothing away from Sulabha's father. If he did not, then surely your grandfather must have done so to Sulabha's grandfather. Justice demands that someone pays for what your grandfathers and great grandfathers did to all the Sudras before Sulabha. Unfortunately, that someone happens to be you.
Brahmana: Sir, is it just to hang me for the murder committed by my grandfather?
Anartha: [chuckling] It's not same... Well, I can't really blame you, can I? You are too young to have the wisdom to see the difference. If your grandfather cut off Grandpa Sudra's legs, Sulabha would not be born without hands, right? You don't have to be a rocket scientist, however, to appreciate that if Sulabha's grandfather was not allowed to learn the Vedas, Sulabha is bound to fail in Calculus!
Brahmana: Sir, but if...
Anartha: [exasperated] No ifs and buts! How can I explain this to you...hm...Ah, you seem to be a bright young lady, surely you must know Calculus. What is the derivative of ex ?
Brahmana: ex of course.
Anartha: What's the derivative of the derivative of ex ?
Anartha: Precisely. Caste = ex. If a Sudra is Calculus disadvantaged, every derivative...I mean, every descendant... Sudra will be Calculus disadvantaged. That's Manu's Fourth Sudra...er...Suthra.
Brahmana: [horrified] Shame on you! Don't tell me that you, a Minister of Social Engineering in a secular government, believe in it. It's nothing but casteism.
Anartha: [ruefully] I am ephemeral... I may be defeated in the next election, or worse, die before I become the Prime Minister... but caste is eternal!
Brahmana: With all due respect to you, sir, what might or might not have happened to Sulabha's ancestors has no bearing whatsoever on his score in Calculus. It violates the central theorem of molecular biology.
Anartha: [taken aback by the change of subject] Central theorem of what? I am an old man, Ms. Brahmana. I am a
social engineer, true, but I can hardly recollect the theorem of Pythagoras. What the heck is the theorem of multicultural biology?
Brahmana: That's molecular biology, sir. To put it simply, the theorem precludes the phenotype from having any effect on the genotype. Er...well, it's like this...let's say Sulabha's great grandfather was denied the opportunity to learn Calculus. That will have no effect whatsoever on the inherited genes that determine Sulabha's ability to solve differential equations as well as I can. Actually, it's not even settled whether Sulabha's genes have anything to do with his proficiency in Calculus.
Anartha: [confused and angry] Who said that?
Anartha: [snorting] The same fellows who said that you and I came from the monkeys?
Brahmana: But sir, we did descend from the primates. Darwin showed that a long time ago. His theory of evolution is taught in schools all over India.
Anartha: [livid, and losing all his composure] They do, eh? I am sure they teach that despicable theory in Sanskrit... It's Brahmanism at its worst... A conspiracy by the communal forces to defeat the secularists... Brahmanas like you have barred Internet access to the Dalits... Manu Sasthra prohibited Muslims from learning the Bhagawad Gita... That's why they are grossly under-represented in the IT companies... Islam is an egalitarian religion, but the Brahmanas have corrupted it with casteism... We should teach Calculus of Reservation in madrasas and ban Darwin from all textbooks. Get out of my office!